This is the million-dollar question. After being in such a wild, rollercoaster relationship, we are often left wondering whether we really experienced abuse or not. We wonder if we are overreacting. We doubt ourselves and wonder if there is something wrong with us. After all, for many of us here, this was the very first time that a relationship ended in such a disaster.
Honestly, whether it was technically “abuse” or not does not make too much of a difference. Were you frequently subjected to the common characteristics of someone with a Cluster B personality disorder, such as manipulation, gaslighting, crazy-making, smear campaigns, physical or verbal abuse, rage, devaluation, cheating, discard, and replacement? Were your time, resources, emotions, and affection exploited and/or unreciprocated throughout the relationship? Were your gestures (perhaps even grand and excessive gestures) continually unappreciated? Have you lost yourself in the relationship and are now left picking up the pieces of your life trying to rediscover who you really are? In my opinion, it really doesn’t matter whether or not this classifies as “abuse” by some arbitrary standard. What matters is that you were in a toxic relationship that damaged you. And now, we’re here to heal.
One way you can determine whether your relationship truly was unhealthy is to look at the nature of Cluster B personality disorders and see if your experiences were similar. I never even considered that I might have been in a relationship with a narcissist until I read Healing from Hidden Abuse.
As mentioned elsewhere, we are not here to diagnose. We are here to heal. Whether your ex-partner had NPD, BPD, another disorder, or some mix of these doesn’t matter. The pain that you experienced was real, and whether or not it came from someone who meets all the criteria for a Cluster B disorder, just misses a formal diagnosis, or somehow doesn’t meet such criteria doesn’t matter. The damage to you is done. We are on a healing journey. We’ll learn some stuff along the way, but now our healing is at the center of our recovery.
In our relationships, our priorities were given a backseat to our partners. Our dreams, hopes, and even identities were lost. Now is not the time for diagnosing, psychoanalysis, or redemption. It is our time to get ourselves back.
If you have felt that your relationship fit this pattern, then you may benefit from healing and the content on this website. This is where this website comes is. If the content of this site does not resonate with you, then perhaps you weren’t in a Cluster B relationship. Your partner may have abused you in other ways or just been a very mean and toxic person. Not every mean person has a personality disorder.
If the content here does resonate with you, then you may find it helpful to consume other content as well.